“At least you skipped the first wave of divorces”
Why I would've been a bad wife if I married in my twenties.
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People say interesting things in their attempt to console you for being single past the age of thirty.
Let me start by saying that someone incredibly wise recently confirmed for me that at 34 years old I am, in fact, a baby. And would we expect a baby to be married?? Case closed.
Let me follow by saying that single people don’t need you to console them. They don’t need to hear that it’ll happen when they least expect it, or that you don’t understand why a catch like them hasn’t found someone, or that the moment they love themselves enough someone will magically appear.
My favorite consolation is when people joke that you’ve bypassed the first round of divorces. You know, those people who got married in their twenties and realized they’re not at all right for each other, only to find themselves single again in their thirties or forties wondering how they got there.
I used to write people off when they’d say that, because I believed that I’d be different. That if I had gotten married young (like I once desperately wished to), it would’ve been smooth sailing into a happily ever after sunset for us. I thought that marriage would be the thing that saved me from the darkest, loneliest parts of myself.
The truth is, if I had gotten married young it would’ve been for all the wrong reasons. And it would’ve imploded.
Yesterday I was being interviewed on a divorce podcast about how to heal core wounds and build a better relationship with yourself. Basically, how to embrace healing after a relationship ends. That tender (and seemingly never-ending) period of time where you’re trying to figure out who you are again after un-merging your life with someone you once thought would always be there.
The aftermath of heartbreak is a mind-melting tornado of the innocent hopes you had going into the relationship, and the painful reality of watching it all crumble before your eyes. Most people don’t go into a relationship consciously holding bad intentions, or thinking it will end. We go into them hoping to never have to feel alone again.
But the unfortunate truth so many face is that you can feel utterly and devastatingly alone in a relationship if it’s the wrong one for you. It took me a long time to accept that the fate of loneliness while partnered is far worse than the temporary pain of navigating singlehood longer than you’d like.
I used to quite literally plead with god, the universe, anyone, to send me a soulmate so I wouldn’t have to feel that pain anymore. It wasn’t until I finally decided I needed to become that kind of loving soulmate for myself first that things began to shift. I began to find my authentic self, my desires, and my needs, after a lifetime of abandoning them for anyone who’d give me a crumb of their attention.
And that’s when I finally realized, at the sweet young age of 31…if I had gotten married when I so achingly longed for it, I would’ve never found myself. Or I would’ve ended up divorced years down the road and maybe found myself the harder way.
Here’s a little poem I wrote when that realization hit:
If I had gotten married in my 20s, I would’ve been a bad wife.
I mean, I would’ve been a perfect wife, but that would’ve been bad.
It would’ve been all wrong,
the way I’d shrink myself and abandon my needs,
the way I would’ve chosen someone who confirmed
every single one of my fears about myself.
I thought I wanted to get married,
but what I really wanted, so badly,
was someone to tell me how it all works out.
Someone to give me the answers,
to assure me that I will be okay in the end.
And that’s a lot of pressure to put on a ring.
A lot of pressure to put on another human
who didn’t sign up to be my savior,
because they were probably just looking for one of their own.
So all that to say, thank god I didn’t choose to hitch my life to someone when I was drowning in the waters of self-abandonment. Thank god I didn’t have to be a bad good wife. Thank god I didn’t trade my peace for someone else’s intermittent presence. Thank god I got to meet the cool, silly, highly emotional, deeply loving, and self-respecting version of me who showed up after I realized romantic love is not an idol on a pedestal. It’s a messy, complex thing, just like me. It’s an eyes-wide-open choice, one that I’d rather make as my most authentic self.
If you find yourself lamenting the fact that life has dealt you a hand that includes more solitude than you’d prefer, cherish it. There will come a day where you long for the peace of your quiet home, the freedom to sleep in the middle of the bed, and the anticipation of wondering how it will all work out for you.
And at the very least, you skipped that first round of divorces. Or something like that.
with love for our achy yearning hearts,
Megs
My new book is out May 6th!! Click here to preorder the book from your preferred vendor, then email me a screenshot of your purchase to contact@megansherer.com. When you do that, I’ll reply with an instant download of three guided meditations to help you connect to your authentic self, plus access to a private launch day workshop with me!
Despite the part that’s freaking out inside, I’m truly honored to get to share this book. Advanced screeners have already been reading it (eek!), and the feedback reminds me of why I wrote it. It’s that warm hug we could all use whenever we forget who we are in the pursuit of love.
Thanks for being a part of the vulnerable but exciting journey of bringing it to life.
Oh and ps…I’m also going on tour!! I have 5 workshops lined up in May and June (Los Angeles, Phoenix, San Fran, Seattle, and NYC) and would LOVE to meet you in person. Click here to snag a ticket in your city.
