When Friends Become Strangers
Grieving and learning from friendship breakups
the biggest smile crossed my face today
when I heard a joke I knew you’d lose it over
so I reached for my phone to send it to you
only to remember we don’t do that anymore
you’re not my person and i’m not yours
and an ache made it’s way into my chest
stomping around like an unwelcome guest
as I grieve the person who once knew me best
Friendship loss is hard. When someone who was once a constant in our lives transitions into a stranger, there’s often a grief that goes unspoken and unnamed. We have full permission to grieve a breakup or the loss of a loved one. But society often treats friendship like they’re a dime a dozen, and somehow a less potent loss when they end.
We have friendships that fade as we transition into different seasons of our life, friendships that end over distinct dramas and irreconcilable differences, and the worst of all: friendships that end without any explanation whatsoever. Have you ever had one of those?
Years ago, I made a friend who felt like a sister in many ways. We had so much in common, and shared so many exciting visions for our future that we supported each other with. I was so excited to have her in my life. Until one day, she started growing more and more distant. She was dating someone new and I chalked it up to her being consumed by that new love honeymoon phase. But eventually, our big plans and inside jokes and familiar rapport turned into total silence. I never heard from her again, and I was left to fill in the blanks.
My mind raced to the usual places…what had I done wrong? Was it something I said? How could she cut me off like that, with no warning or explanation? I racked my brain for any possible blame I could assign myself in order to make sense of what happened. And even when I’d come up with a plausible answer, it still didn’t add up. How could someone I was so close to suddenly not be willing to have a conversation with me?
It took me nearly a year to accept the fact that I’d never know her reasons for ending our friendship. And if I’m being honest, that time felt an awful lot like a breakup. I had to unfollow her on social media so I wouldn’t get swept up in trying to make meaning about everything she posted. I’d see reminders of happy memories we shared and feel that ache in my heart when I remembered that I couldn’t reach out anymore. I wondered if I’d find another friend who I related to in the same way. I let myself grieve that loss just like I would any other.
And if I’m being extra honest and vulnerable with you, I still get a pang of sadness when I think of her from time to time. I feel sad when I think about the fact that we won’t be there to share the big life moments with each other. I feel sad that all I can do is cheer her on from afar, but not celebrate the wins with her and be there to soften the losses.
I’m telling you all of this because I want you to know that it’s normal to feel things, even well after the time when society makes you believe you should’ve moved on by.
These two things can be true at once:
Life is unpredictable and people are complex, and there will be people we love deeply who just aren’t meant to be in every chapter of our story. Accepting that many relationships are seasonal gives us permission to not attach too much meaning to it.
It hurts when things change and people change and we lose connections that we valued.
We can both practice unconditional acceptance of what is, while also feeling some heavy feelings about it. I can accept that for whatever reason, I wasn’t meant to be in the next chapter of her life. I can also look back fondly on our endless laughter and feel nostalgic for those sweet years we shared together.
Here are some of my thoughts on what it means to approach our friendships with love:
Sometimes loving people means trusting them when they need to say goodbye.
Sometimes loving people means knowing when to call people on their shit and double down on showing up for them when they try to self-isolate. The wisdom is in knowing the difference.
When someone leaves, with or without explanation, we always have an opportunity to reflect on what kind of friend we were and if we’d like to be better next time around. Self-reflection allows us to see where we’re in or out of alignment with our values. (Important side not: accountability is not the same as playing the shame & blame game. The former is productive, the latter is not).
That also means reflecting on how loving you were to yourself when this person was in your life. Did they inspire you to be a good friend to yourself?
Friendships are the arena where you practice vulnerability, trust, honesty, giving, receiving, playfulness, integrity, and open-heartedness. You won’t get it right every time, and that’s okay. Keep showing up anyway, and focus on the people who are excited to get in the arena with you, not the silent observers on the sidelines.
Lastly, remember this: when someone you loved becomes a stranger to you, it’s often your signal that you’re on the path to becoming more familiar with your authentic self. Anyone who doesn’t stick around for that journey was never meant to.
Resource of the Week:
If you’ve ever had the experience of being ghosted, either by a friend or a love-interest, you know it’s not for the faint of heart. You have to root so deeply into your own sense of self-worth in order to not make their silent departure personal. And I promise you, it says a lot more about them and their (lack of) communication skills than it does about you.
But that doesn't mean it doesn’t hurt. So this week, I’ve got a podcast episode for you all about how to deal with being ghosted. It’s a quick 23 minutes of tangible guidance - give it a listen on your next commute or hot girl walk ;)
Words of the Week:
Journal Prompt of the Week:
Think about the 3-5 people you spend the most time with. Do your friendships reflect the type of relationships you’d like to have in your life?
Lastly, I just want to say I’m glad you’re here. Whether your answer to that last question was an emphatic yes or a disappointed nope, you’ve made your way to a community of people who value love, kindness, respect, and growth. Sometimes it can feel harder to make friends with those same values and you may navigate seasons of loneliness along the way. I know I sure have. But you’re here, an important part of my community and this ongoing conversation about heart-centered living. And I think that’s pretty cool :) Keep creating space for more friends who want to love as big as you do.
"Sometimes loving people means trusting them when they need to say goodbye."
🎯 This was one of the hardest pieces for me to learn.
"It took me nearly a year to accept the fact that I’d never know her reasons for ending our friendship. And if I’m being honest, that time felt an awful lot like a breakup."
You're so right. It can be so much harder than a regular breakup. Many of us have emotional blockages in our hearts in our hearts that get triggered by romantic love, so we may not be as fully open and vulnerable with romantic interests as we are in our friendships, in which we may be more likely to relax and be our most authentic selves. Which means the friendship endings can feel so much more personal.
Thanks for your thoughtful words.